BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

So, I’ve had multiple requests for a “repeat” of the “Gospels of the Bean” updates/tweets from a while back. In fact, I’ve even had folks requesting them for Christmas. Since I’ve been so busy with Luetsencurbenpuken (yes, I still need to post some pictures from 2010) and such, I neglected to have a blog entry ready for this morning… Therefore… Yeah. I’m going to get my lazy on and do a big old copy and paste from the “Gospels of the Bean” text file.

Since I am writing this while pumping bean jooce into myself, AND I will need to go roust the o-spring and redhead very soon, this is going to be pretty haphazard. As in, no particular order. I have a busy day ahead and, besides, you know how my mind works anyway…

WHAT IS COFFEE?

cof-fee [kaw-fee, kof-ee] -noun : decoction of crushed, roasted seeds ingested primarily as a vehicle for caffeine delivery. – I haz some.

COFFEE COMMANDMENTS

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God…”

“1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

“2: You shall not make for yourself a false coffee, such as anything that is in the likeness of decaf.”

“3: You shall not spill the brew of the BEAN in vain.”

“4: Remember the birthday of Saint Juan Valdez, to keep it holy.”

“5: Honor thy roasts, espresso, dark, medium, regular, and all in between.”

“6: You shall not murder after partaking of the brew. Before is okay, after, not so much.”

“7: You shall not drink tea as opposed to coffee, for this act is to commit adultery against the BEAN.”

“8: You shall not steal the coffee of another.”

“9: You shall not falsely accuse thy neighbor of being a cola drinker.”

“10: You shall not covet your neighbor’s Bunn, Krups, Saeco, etc.”

GOSPELS OF THE BEAN

On the third day, Starbuck said to them, “Drink this and you will live, for it is of the BEAN.” Gevalia 42:18

BEAN said,”In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, COFFEE will overcome.” Juan 16:33

And Juan did according to all that the BEAN commanded him. – Gevalia 7:5

When Starbuck partook of the coffee, he bowed down to the ground before the BEAN. – Gevalia 24:52

Starbuck said to the baristas, “Come here and listen to the words of the BEAN your God.” – Starbuck 3:9

“It will produce caffeinated beverages for you, and you will drink the brew of the BEAN.” – Gevalia 3:18

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God… 1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

The angel of BEAN said to me in the diner, ‘Coffee?’ I answered, ‘Yes, please.’ – Gevalia 31:11

“So BEAN created coffee in its own image, in the image of BEAN it created brew; Arabica and Canephora it created them.” – Gevalia 1:27

“So Juan moved his tents and went to live near the mountains, where he built an altar to the BEAN.” – Gevalia 13:18

BEAN said to Coffee, “Where is your brother Espresso?”, “I dunno,” he replied. “Do I look like a Starbucks?” Gevalia 4:9

The Bean said, “It is not good for mankind to be groggy. I will make a caffeinated drink suitable for them.” – Gevalia 2:18

Bean said, “Let there be brew,” and there was brew. Bean saw that brew was good, and separated brew from grounds. – Gevalia 1:3

For coffee so loved the world it gave its one and only brew, that whoever drinks it shall be not foul but have good mood. – Krups 3:16

Brew not, and you shall not have coffee. Drink not, and you shall not be awake. — 2 Juan,  6:37

“Now, my Coffee, may your bean be ground and your caffeine extracted for the drinkers of your brew.” — 2 Starbucks,  6:40

“He who has coffee is better than the coffeeless; and he that drinketh his coffee than he that doesn’t.” – 1 Peaberry, 16:32

“Tea may endure for a night, but coffee cometh in the morning.” — Peaberry 30:5

May the glory of the bean endure forever; may the bean rejoice in its caffeine – 1 Folgers, 2:19

Awaken me, O COFFEE, for your caffeine is kind; With your great stimulant, lead me to the path of consciousness. —Starbuck 69:69

COFFEE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

Coffee makes all things new again. A public service announcement of the Church of the Latter Day Bean…

PENNANCE

Tea is an Aqueous sin and Cola is both an Aqueous and a Carbonic sin, making it far worse. 24 Hail Peaberries minimum

COFFEE PRAYER

Oh coffee, who art in cup, Java be thy name. Thy espresso shot, rich and hot, just keep the refills a comin’…

Oh coffee, who art in cup, peaberry be thy name. Thy caffeine come, as I swill one, do they have refills in heaven?

COFFEE AFFRIMATIONS

Coffee is great, coffee is good, I’d best go drink some before I’m rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good. Better give me more before I get rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good, let us thank it for our mood…

Thou hast raised me from sleep, O coffee; awaken my mind and open my lips, that I may praise Thee, O Holy Trinity- Bean, creamer, and sugar.

Glory be to the bean and to the grinder and to the water, as it was in the beginning, but is now, coffee without end.

Coffee…grant me the strength to pour, the serenity to brew when the pot is empty, and the wisdom to not kill anyone yet.

COFFEE CONFESSIONS

Confession time – I have a little plastic statue of Juan Valdez and his donkey on the dash of my truck…

I like my coffee straight up, no frills. But when I feel a little kinky, I put on one of my wife’s negligees and have an espresso…

FROM THE COFFEE HYMNAL

I like my coffee bay-bee! Hot, fresh, and… well, not so sticky. But strong, yes. Stronger the better. (Rock Candy)

Coffee, coffee, bo boffee, banana bana, fo foffee, fee, fi, mo, moffee! KAW-FEE! (The Name Game)

Have another cup of coffee, but don’t be sloppy, be careful don’t spill it, when you refill it, have another cup of coffee…  (Manic Monday)

COFFEE IS…

Coffee is… The only thing that keeps me from climbing the clock tower with a rifle in the morning.

Coffee is… My Mistress, and damn she’s hot and steamy…

Coffee is… An essential part of the food pyramid.

Coffee is… Do I really need to embellish here?

Coffee is… Not just a good idea, it’s the law.

Coffee is… My own personal Prozac.

COFFEE QUOTES

I need a faster coffee bean juicer…

Coffee… There can be only one.

Coffee… Not just a good idea. It’s a way of life.

If it weren’t for coffee, well then, I guess I’d just have to be an even bigger asshole today…

I love the smell of coffee in the morning… Smells like… burnt coffea canephora berries actually…

It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion. It is by juice of the bean that thoughts acquire speed, desk stained, cup empty…

Ahhh… Freshly squeezed coffea canephora juice… It just makes the world look so much more… well… tolerable.

Chemicals my ass! Without COFFEE, life itself would be impossible…

COFFEE QUESTIONS

How many beans do you have to squeeze for one cup of coffee?

More to come…

Murv

Over the past few days folks have probably taken note that I’ve been somewhat busy with cleaning, shopping, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, sho… Well, you get the idea.

I’ve been, to say the least, busy. And, as I have noted on my various social networks, this “bizzy” came about not only from the writing I’ve been doing, but also from my preparations for the Festival of Luetsencurbenpuken.

As you may have guessed – because you may be one of the folks I am about to mention – folks (that’d be the folks I’m mentioning) have been leaving comments and dropping me emails, most often with the question: “

“Hay! Merv. Cellers. Whot thee f*ck is Loosencrippenfahrvegnugget?”

Okay… Well maybe the spelling and grammar weren’t quite THAT bad. But anyway, suffice it to say I’ve received many a, “What the hell is that?” email. So, with today being the final day of Luetsencurbenpuken, I thought perhaps I’d give everyone an explanation.

Luetsencurbenpuken (Loots – en – curb – en – puke- en) n. – A three day holiday celebrated by a small group of  Saint Louis residents, taking place in relative proximity to the Winter Solstice (December 21-22) each year. Marked by colorful signage, abundant alcohol, food, raucous singing and the obsequious worship of a petite redhead wearing black patent leather. A traditional bonfire is required for proper celebration, and the first day of the festival is started with “The Chopping Of The Wood” followed by “The Drinking Of The Dry Dirty Martini.” Margaritas – frozen, of course – can be substituted for the Martini, however the two tasks must be done outdoors in sub-freezing temperatures, while wearing shorts and a hoodie. Overt and constant adulation of the redhead is a must. On the second night of the festival, the real fun begins.

Now, I could certainly leave it at that. After all, now you know what Luetsencurbenpuken is. However, I’m sure you wonder just exactly how this particular holiday came to be in the first place. Well… Let me tell you a story.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF LUETSENCURBENPUKEN

Believe it or not, Luetsencurbenpuken is not a new holiday. It has been around almost since the dawn of time. But, it wasn’t always called Luetsencurbenpuken. To understand its roots we have to go back a bit in history. We won’t go all the way back to the dawn of time though. We’ll just flip the calendar pages a few hundred years into the past.

During the time of the Roman Empire when a bunch of toga wearing, $5 pizza making, nutjobs were fornicating, stabbing each other, and farting in public bathtubs, they also celebrated a holiday around the Winter Solstice that they called Saturnalia. Historians have speculated that this was due to a script that was found for a popular serial play of the age called, “Lost in Carpathia,” in which a family, along with a guide and a demented former Senator went forth in a huge chariot dubbed Saturn II, ostensibly to visit with the Carpathians. However, due to a scroll malfunction – caused by the former Senator – they became hopelessly lost and wandered about in a futile attempt to return to the aqueducts. The plot of this serial play may seem familiar to those of you who recall the hit 60’s television show, Lost in Space. In order to get around the Aristotle Plagiarism act of 723, they renamed the spaceship Jupiter II but pretty much used the same scripts, although slightly updated. But… This really isn’t  about the Romans and a date that I pulled out of my arse.  In reality, this is about the Mumbling Drelts.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Mumbling Drelts, they are an ancient people who came into existences after some wayward Mummers interbred with some wayward Druids. These “Mummids,” as they were known, traveled a short distance to sack a village of Celts, whereupon they had their way with the women. The women, being smarter, poisoned them, beheaded their carcasses, and put their heads on poles, whereupon they danced around them into the night, attempting to yodel. This is where the legend of the Banned She, (later to become Banshee) is thought to have originated.

Afterward, with not much of a village left and no visible means of support, they lived their lives out as a band of wandering burlesque performers, picking up jobs as paid assassins on the side. However, as there was no reliable birth control back then, several of them had become pregnant via the unfortunate “way having.” These women gave birth to a whole new raft of folks. They, in turn, interbred and became the Mumbling Drelts.

The reason you don’t hear much about them is that they died out over a period of 200 or so years due to the fact that they would repeatedly beat themselves over the head with rocks for no apparent reason. (Of NOTE – as you will discover later – renowned sexual anthropologist Dokter Brunhilda has published a paper which may support the theory that the self-flagellation with rocks was a misguided form of masturbation, as there is already solid evidence that such activities did, in fact, occur as a foreplay-esque prelude to copulation. See article – International Journal of Anthropological Kinkiness, Issue 69, May, 2007.)

But on with the story.

You see, while the Romans were fornicating at Saturnalia, the Mumbling Drelts were celebrating the Solstice holiday in their own fashion. Throughout the year they would gather berries and grains, which they would then turn into a mash, ferment, and then bottle. They would also distill a portion. The resultant highly alcoholic concoctions were then imbibed at the Winter Solstice  Office Party, which usually happened on the weekend nearest the Solstice proper, since everyone needed to be off work for a couple of days in order to enjoy the festivities.

And this is how the holiday of Luetsencurbenpuken was first known by the name, DRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL!

You see, DRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL! was the drunken cry they would make at the moment the first of them became so inebriated that he, or she as the case may be, began to, well, drool. Why? Because they were drunk and drooling. And, since the Mumbling Drelts had no written language, this tradition was handed down orally. But, this is a family blog so we won’t get into that.

At any rate, once they died out, it seemed that the holiday of DRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL! was gone forever…

Except (saw that coming, right?)…

Except that a nomadic camel dealer by the name of Mortimer “Mort” Farhquar had come upon one of these celebrations in his travels and been invited to join the Mumbling Drelts for some boozin’ and droolin’. Mort liked the tradition so much that he passed it along to his kin, except that because of the verbal language barrier and a slight hearing problem he had picked up during a freak camel spitting incident, he interpreted DROOOOOLLLLL! as “Yoooollllll!”

Hence, the holiday of Yoooollllll was created. As years wore on and language evolved, this was shortened to Yule, and became the preferred winter holiday of folks around the world.

Now, you’d think the story would end there, but if it did it wouldn’t make much sense, would it?

Fast forward back to the here and now. Well, the here and then, actually. I met the redhead (see blog entries about courtship, marriage, etc for background) and one of the things we would do each year is have ourselves a “Christmas Open House” sort of party. Well, as things would go, we ended up competing with other friends who were having the same, and didn’t want to end up REALLY competing, if you get my drift. Therefore, we moved our Christmas Open House back a bit, and turned it into a Yule celebration for close friends who were able to embrace the idea of dredging up the holiday of the Ancient Mumbling Drelts.

Of course, being modern folk and all, we live in a suburban area. Therefore we endeavored to keep things on an even keel so that no police would be called on us for yelling DRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL! at all hours of the night and early morning.

That is, until we met Missus Loota-Chack… AKA Anastasia Luettes.

As it turns out, a DNA test revealed that Anastasia is actually descended from the Ancient Mumbling Drelts themselves. It seems that they did not all die out. In fact, one couple, Frodis and ShaNayNay Bushplucker, experienced an epiphany during intercourse and ceased to beat one another over the head with large rocks as a form of foreplay. And, it is from this “Adam and Eve” pair, if you will, of Mumbling Drelts that the lineage continued.

However, Missus Loota-Chack married up to a wonderful German guy, who likes food, and worships the Patent Leather Redhead with reckless abandon, doing any and all chores she demands, even before she demands them. So much so, in fact, that he tends to make me look bad at times. Fortunately, I am busy with other tasks prescribed by her evilness, and therefore I don’t get kicked to the curb.

And speaking of the curb…

Several years back, Missus Anastasia and Mike “Yes Mistress Kat, May I Please Have Another” Loota-Chack were at our annual Yule celebration, just as they had been in the past. However, this particular year, Anastasia had been spending an enormous amount of time researching her rediscovered roots. That, and having odd, lurid fantasies about redheads, jumper cables, and low amperage battery chargers, but that’s another part of the story we won’t get into here. She claims that because of this research – although our theory is that it had more to do with the fantasies – she neglected to eat during the morning of the first day of the holiday. Fact is, she neglected to eat at all that day. Not just the morning.

However, in order to continue fueling the redhead and jumper cable thing going on in her head, she began drinking at around 3AM. The day before. Heavily. Therefore, by the time she arrived at Casa de la pelirroja, she was schnockered. I mean gone. She didn’t have three sheets to the wind, she had one sheet and she was tangled in it.

Then she ate.

Then she drank some more.

Then she stripped naked and danced on the dining room table while singing in a blend of French, Irish Gaelic, Swahili, and some dead Slavic dialect nobody else knows. All we were really able to understand was the chorus which went something on the order of, “Spank me, Oh Spank Me, You Fool, You Fool…”

Of course, none of us spanked her. Dollar bills were tossed on the table, however, while our friend Johnny “The Bologna Man” Seitz continued to eat his dinner while occasionally shouting, “GoDdAmM Luettes!”

Several minutes into the naked can-can, Anastasia suddenly stopped. Looked at all of us with her eyes bugging out of her head, then screamed at the top of her lungs, DRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL! Achtung! Cac capaill! FEK FEK FEK!

Which, of course, is the holiday cheer of the ancient Mumbling Drelts, followed by something in German, Irish Gaelic, and Colloquial Irish Slang that loosely translates to: Attention! Horse Sh*t! F#CK, F#CK, F#CK!

Upon bellowing she ran naked out the front door and into the streets – icy, snowy, cold streets, mind you – and screamed DRROOOOOOOOLLLLLLL! repeatedly as she zipped around the neighborhood, with an embarrassed Mike following after her. The rest of us were highly amused by the sight once we got over our initial shock.

On her eleventyish pass down our street, she came to a sudden halt, much like the roadrunner in those cartoons. She was across the street, next to our neighbor’s house, and she suddenly pitched over and ralphed the contents of the pre-dinner appetizers and 36 hours of drinking onto the curb – as well as a portion of his yard. Of note, grass will still not grow there to this day.

After that it was all over but the crying.

Much like grandma being “runned over” by a reindeer (or molested at the airport by the TSA, as the case may be) we’ve never been able to forget the events of that night. Therefore in honor of it, we renamed the annual Yule celebration to Luetsencurbenpuken (kinda makes a little sense now, doesn’t it?) and decorate accordingly.

And there you have it. From my fingers to your brainpan. Thing is, I was here and had to witness it firsthand, so don’t complain. I had it way worse than you.

Hopefully, I’ll have some pics from Luetsencurbenpuken 2010 to post in the next blog. Provided Anastasia leaves her clothes on this year…

Also of note, Luetsencurbenpuken is immediately followed by, and sometimes will literally encompass on one of the three days, the high holiday of Luetsengottenolderen.

But that’s another story…

More to come…

Murv